I remember so clearly the day we exchanged our vows. What a day! After pursuing her for so long, she tearfully surrendered to my love as she realized the beauty of what we had together. She was radiant. She was so grateful for being rescued from herself and her confusion… She said she would love and worship me forever, that she would remain surrendered to me under any circumstance, that she would go wherever I led, that nothing or no one would ever come between us. She gave herself to me and thanked me and worshipped me for her new life. She said over and over that she would be forever grateful…

I remember so well her passionate and undivided devotion, the look in her eyes that said there is no one else…

But much has changed…

I have so many dreams and plans for us… I still have so much for us to do, so many people that we can impact together, like we did in the early days. I’m still inviting her to leave the comforts, desires and ambitions of this world and together seek those with great needs. She was once thrilled with that prospect, but now she’s bound to so many daily demands. We used to agree that nothing was better than to have an eternal impact on someone’s life, that the “least” were the most important (and worth dying for) and we spoke often of nothing standing between us and our calling… but now those words seem like they were spoken by a different person. I long to walk with her among the forgotten and the hungry (where my heart is…), touching, embracing, encouraging… but she has so many commitments. Her life is full and there is little room for me…

In our idle moments together, we would dream and talk about about our future home and it greatly motivated both of us, but she is now preoccupied with the menial tasks of “surviving” and being happy in her current life, and at the end of the day she is too exhausted to dream or talk about our future together. We no longer have idle moments… together…

We used to talk so much about my will, my heart, my desires, my plans… She still often asks me to bless her plans, yet she no longer asks about mine. I send lonely and hungry people across her path that we can serve together… but she’s too busy to notice them.

I often call to her, but my voice has become one of many and she no longer responds to its sound with joy and passion.

We sometimes still share intimate (though often distracted) moments together, but then she hurries off to her next appointment. Our conversations are hurried, without listening or real interest.  My desires and plans no longer matter.   I am one of many all-important relationships and tasks in her life; I’m no longer her priority.

My name is tattooed on her car and she still weekly gets together with others who have respect and affection for me, but they socialize, sing and study and no longer show devoted interest in my desires. I used to be able to speak (or just give them a “nudge”), and they would drop everything and go with me and do whatever I was involved in, but now I need to plan months in advance to sneak onto their calendar. She still talks about me with others, but rarely with me about others.

Intimacy with me is a spoken but unfulfilled desire, yet she longs for that which results from intimacy (peace, contentment, joy…), without trusting me (the foundation of all intimacy).

She seeks love and fulfillment from my letters to her but words can’t love or fulfill. My words point to Me, and I knock and knock, ready and willing to again rescue her, give her life, lead her to joy…

She has forgotten the joy of abandoning the “blessings” and desires of this world and going to the dark, tough and lonely places with me, in order to love, serve and rescue those who live there.

Sweat and risk used to be our motto, now it’s singing and study, singing and study. She loves to study everything about me, but living out my desires is forgotten.

She once so passionately loved my heart, and promised to remain by my side as we battled the darkness for the one lost, leading him/her to the light of my Father’s affection. But now she remains with the ninety-nine, in places of ease, where I am rarely found (as I seek the lost one). She has forgotten that she cannot serve Me and comfort.

She once knew that I must be about my Father’s work in the lonely valleys where those I love are wandering, lost and hungry. But she continually seeks me on the mountaintops, where I spend little time.

Does she remember the joy of our intimacy and how to live in me? To passionately love me before the rest, to prioritize my desires over hers, to abandon the dreams and fantasies that require letting go of my hand, to forsake the activities that distract her from me…

Like it was at first…

Does she know that my joy in her and my love for her hasn’t changed?  That we can begin again today?

I’ll never stop calling, encouraging, inviting, and embracing my lovely bride…